It's been a while...

Good Afternoon,

Or should I say good evening? It's twilight, my favourite time of the day as the skies start to turn from the gorgeous blue swirling into pinks and purples as the day draws to a close.

Lately, I've been feeling rather reflective; of past memories, of people who have come and gone, of books that I have read that have changed me. In a way, all things we encounter change us, even just slightly. People, or things, alter the way we think to bring about new meanings, morals, and drives to live our lives a certain way.

For a long time I lived my life in fear of the future, completely apprehensive for what was to come. I feared losing people, I wandered about those that I would meet and how they would impact my life. I of course fretted over money, and jobs, and relationships, yet I tried to remain content. I found solitude in books, and then when University got in the way, my solitude came in throwing myself into my work, to realise I was washing myself down the drain emotionally and could not sustain friendships and relationships and was pushing those close to me, away.

I do regret throwing myself in as much as I did, and now I am in my fourth year of my degree, finally on the home stretch to becoming a teacher, I am learning (too late) that it is in fact people whom you should find solitude in and not the workload. Whilst immersing yourself in what you do is fulfilling, and can help you become a success, it's not at all what life is about. Ironically, now that my workload is building tremendously, it's true what they say that a teacher's work is never complete, I am finding that I step away a lot more. I designate time to work, and for the most part, I do stick to it. I also stick to the time I designate to friends and to family. To taking a moment to sit and be still and not let the world pass me by. I am an avid lover of coffee, and reading books among the buzz of business as people rush off with their takeaway cup in hand, or settle nearby for a good natter with friends. I find it wonderful to be still and watch as people pass me by, in and out of the doors without taking in their surroundings. It's wonderfully freeing to be still in those moments, or indeed to be completely lost in a story as is recently the case.

Adam Kay's 'This is going to hurt' was a tremendous story that was so endearingly written, yet it so tactfully exposed the harsh working conditions for those in our NHS who daily fight for people's lives. For the workers who don't get nearly enough recognition that they deserve, given the weird and wonderful and terrifying things they encounter daily. I was speaking to my mum about our roles of being community carers, and how it drastically effected our mental health being around elderly and vulnerable people. It's difficult to even put into words the nature of the job and how fulfilling it can be having made a difference to people's lives, yet, some instances there is only so much you can do and that is such a heavy burden to bear. As a carer, you merely experience a small dose of the burden that the NHS workers heroically encounter and deal with daily which Adam Kay presents perfectly in his novel.

It's incredible to me made more aware of your surroundings and the society you are in just by flicking through a book. I have found, that in each book I read, I see a part of myself in the story and the characters, and somehow am forced to reflect on the person I am becoming, and the person I have already become. This is sometimes a good thing, other times not so much. None of us are perfect people, we can only strive to be the best version of ourselves. Some say you may work too hard, others, not enough. Some say you are too introvert, others, you're too out there you need to reign it in a little. You don't exercise enough, eat healthy enough, do enough fun activities, see friends enough, see family enough, text enough. There is always something you can be doing better, or more of.

In actuality, your priority is doing enough of what makes you happy, and what makes you a good person. My job requires a lot of my time and mental energy, it is without a doubt building my intelligence in ways I never thought I was capable of achieving, but it does not define me. My family, they do not define me, but I always make the effort to see them as often as I can, no matter how chaotic my life becomes. A simple phone call on a Wednesday evening after a trying day is all it takes to lift their spirits and yours. Signing up for a tough mudder with my sister is all it took to remind me that I need to work to live, not live to work. Life is so much more than clocking up hours at your place of work for a pay check that allows you to simply exist at work. That pay check should be character building with trips to the beaches, and trying out new restaurants, picking new books to explore and making memories with those you love. Obviously, only so much as the paycheck allows, you must live within your means, but life is so much more than the job you are striving to get. Life is about the people you surround yourself with, the memories you make, and your willingness to adapt to new surroundings and constantly striving to be the best version of yourself you can be.

There may be rocky roads and tumbles along the way, but at the end of the day, as the sky turns from blue to pink and mixes with the deepest of red. All that exists is love, after all. When the sun sets, and as it rises, it's people that should matter most. Hold close your loved ones, always.

On that note, I'm off to call my Nan. Whilst that was a large ramble, it felt good to clear my brain of some of the fog and clarify my thoughts.

Blogging, (writing for zero audience) I missed you.

Until next time ...

A Religious Dive

Hi there!

I am not sure if I have mentioned here that I am a Christian. If I have, then I have mentioned twice, if I haven’t, then there is my bold statement that Christianity is a massive part of my day to day life. I have always believed in a ‘God’ and when I was 11 years old, after being invited to church by a close family friend, I quickly grew to love God and Christianity and the morals and values of this ‘religion.’ It has bought me much hope and comfort over the years knowing that someone is watching over me, someone has a plan for me and that my life is worth something. No matter how often I go wrong (which I do a LOT of the time!)I know that I have someone who knows me, doesn’t judge me, and who is there gently nudging me along the right path. I am not forcing you to believe in god, nor am I shoving it down your throat as I am aware that sometimes it’s a subject that many who don’t believe don’t feel comfortable talking about as they are set in their views. Aren’t we all set in our views though? We all have our own right to have our own opinions and I respect that.

Anyway, moving on from that lengthy introduction; in wanting to improve myself through reading and what books can enlighten and teach me new and important values I chose;

‘Don’t Make History Change The Future’ – Matt Summerfield.

I chose this because I felt that a Christian book may be a nice change to the books I have been reading as of late and maybe it would introduce new perspectives as I may be about to embark on a new adventure with University. This book was given to me free of charge at a summer camp festival ‘Soul Survivor’ back in 2013. I visited that summer camp religiously for 5 years (pun intended!) Through my early teens I wrongly never made time for reading as there was always something more important to do or quite simply…I couldn’t be bothered! In doing so, this book became less and less of a priority to me as it sat on my bookshelf gathering dust. I am currently on a train on my way to my boyfriend’s house before we go away on holiday and in knowing that I would be going away in a few days I wanted a relatively short book that would enlighten me before I revert back to my beloved rom-com books to relax with and read on the beach.

Upon reading the title I thought it would be a book about my past and the people I’m from and how to make my own future and let the past build me rather than me following the footsteps of my parents. I was WRONG! I was so mistaken with this judgement! I guess I have just proven the theory that you should never judge a book by its cover! In contrast, this book followed the theme that every generation should help to build the next generation to make the world a better place; a more loving, giving, caring world where people build each other up to make and break new goals rather than beating someone down for setting the next new goal that you once conquered. It isn’t about holding the title for the shortest running time for the mile run; it’s about being an example to break the limits that people tell you are impossible to cross.

The world is full of so many possibilities and miracles and it’s in our hands to explore and see what awaits us, and to also bring others up inspired to explore further than we could ever reach. This book taught me to remain selfless, to always try to be positive in any given circumstance, to live life for a purpose and to dream big because by dreaming big you can achieve big. In a similar sense, it taught me not to criticise but to praise and let others inspire to do great things and let God lead the way. Not to alienate others to follow what I’m doing and love what I love, but to help them become who they want to become. It’s a process of accepting, loving and being who you are, and allowing and building others to accept, love and be who they were meant to be as well. I want to let Gods will be done. And by his grace, I look forward to meeting new stories and find out the paths he is putting extraordinary people on to do amazing things.

Jeremiah 29:11 – ‘’For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’’

God Bless J

The One Woman Fiesta

Have you ever had a book that was supposed to be comedic that you thought would be riddled with jokes and laughter and it all turned out to be a life lesson? Almost like when you tell your parent a rude joke and that turns into a life lesson…although there were no rude jokes on my part. Well the unexpected happened.

‘Is It Just Me’ – Miranda Hart

Well I can safely admit, at 10:31pm as I’m currently writing this blog post, It feels like I am still a school student hurrying to get my homework finished at the last minute so I don’t face the wrath of the disappointed teachers the next day. Oh it’s a glorious feeling that I am sitting here, Hotel Chocolat treats keeping me company as I type merrily away about my latest book adventure. SUCH FUN!

For those of you that don’t know me, I adore Miranda Hart! For those of you that don’t know Miranda, she is a British comedian who takes pleasure and earns great success from embracing the awkward embarrassing ‘someday-I’ll-look-back-on-this-and-laugh’ moments of life that in most cases normal people would cringe and want the ground to swallow them up. My dear reader chum, she laughs in the moment of it all and recreates this moments in her recently finished sitcom!

To show you why I love Miranda, here are some of my favourite quotes from her sitcom (this is where we learn that perhaps our comedic values aren’t quite on par with each other in which case dear chum, I apologise. I still find Miranda ‘totes hilaire’)

‘A savoury muffin?! Life is full of enough disappointments Gary!’

‘The queen of all words, Moist, the king of all words, Plinth, imagine a moist plinth…Bottom!’

‘Whenever I think of meals on wheels, I always think of little Yorkshire puddings on roller skates.’

‘I don’t want to be friends with someone who jogs, go and have a burger!’

‘Man: what do you love?

Miranda: Doughnuts

Man: What was your first love?

Miranda: Doughnuts

Man: What makes your heart skip?

Miranda: Doughnuts’

Anyway, continuing on...Whilst pondering on life’s issues from her current ‘I’m on the right side of my forties self’ she has consistent chats with her then eighteen year old self about the way things turn out. Pondering how she was, following the trends and falling to peer pressure to fit in and not actually allowing herself the opportunity to own up to her true dreams; relating to now when those dreams that she once thought horrific to admit were now evolving right in front of her eyes. MARVOLISSIMUSSOLINI!

With her true personality shining through, the infamous galloping, SUCH FUN, embarrassing encounters on dates and the horrific notions of weddings and hairdressers, she teaches all to embrace themselves with the admirable childish charm of her own ‘Miranda land’. Did you ever tell your parents ‘when I get older and everyone lives in my world everyone has to eat chocolate and there will be no shouting or crying and there’ll be clouds of ice cream and candy floss’….no? Just me? … Well, I hate to break it to you but its isn’t JUST me, in Miranda land ‘Fun’ and ‘Exercise’ do not mix, galloping is required in all art galleries because the hard wood floor is p.e.r.f.e.c.t. for such occasions and most importantly; people accept themselves for who they are. In all your weird and wonderful goodness, fat or skinny, funny or bright, or bright and funny, if you get on well with crowds of people or not, through the comedic value of the book Miranda teaches us all to accept ourselves as we are. No cover ups, just to come as we are and not worry about what others are thinking.

‘’You just don’t care do you?’

I could have thought, ‘Help, I must look like an idiot: I am on telly, doing sitting-down hand-and-shoulder dancing, while this person is playing it cool and I most definitely am not.’

The eighteen year old me would have stopped immediately, crushed by the peer pressure and pretended it was all ironic, but I carried on. And with total confidence, I said ‘No. I really don’t.’’

Perhaps everybody should stop caring what people think. Look how you want to look like, wear what you think looks good on you, don’t not wear it because ‘Shannon from English’ said it was an ugly dress. It doesn’t matter what people think, as someone once told me ‘those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.’ Be yourself and be who you want to be. And maybe, just maybe, allow yourself to admit what your dreams truly are because someday it might happen.

Dear 37 year old Sophie, here are your top 5 dreams, what you REALLY want!

1-      To be a good mum (this includes owning all the Disney DVD collection and watching them with your children!)

2-      To be happy

3-      To keep reading and dreaming

4-      To publish something (poetry or fiction)

5-      For everything to fall into place, by some miracle!

Hold fast to dreams

For if dreams die

Life is a broken-winged bird

That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams

For when dreams go

Life is a barren field

Frozen with snow.

Too Relevant

The second of the two books my Aunt let me borrow, seemed to be perfectly placed during this year’s reading list.

‘Tuesdays with Morrie’ – Mitch Albom

This is a non-fiction book, Morrie is a professor, or was a professor. Born in 1916 he had a relatively tough upbringing, aspired to get a job in a profession in which he wasn’t part of forced labour and so the journey of him teaching begun. He was a very wise man who had a large impact on many of his students, particularly Mitch Albom himself. Upon graduating, Mitch promised he would keep in touch with his beloved professor; however, this promise was long since forgotten until Mitch learnt his professor had ALS. Thus the two begun to meet on Tuesdays as they had done so many years prior to continue their lessons together. Though, the touching part for me was that these lessons didn’t require a textbook, a PowerPoint to follow, worksheets or homework, these lessons were invaluable; they were lessons of life itself.

Wednesday 8^th July 2015, 2 days before I started reading this book, the day before my leaver’s prom, I found out that my Nan had passed away at the magnificent age of 93. It still hasn’t hit home, I still haven’t been able to cry which is probably the reason I couldn’t cry by the time the inevitable happened in Albom’s novel. Though, without sounding morbid, it seemed to bring home the idea that it does happen to everyone and you need to live and have no regrets by the time your inevitable happens. Although the novella isn’t the happiest of topics to read about while the sun is shining (although today rain did pour as the tradition of English summer goes) but there were some truly beautiful quotes;

‘Love wins. Love always wins’

‘Love is the only rational act’

Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live’

These quotes are the type of quotes that when you read them, you re read them, you pause for a moment, turn away from the book and try and understand the meaning of them and the many ways they fit with you. In all the arguments and worries and stresses and deadlines of human lives, love wins, it’s the only rational thing we as humans can do, and when you learn how to die, you learn how to live. They are comforting thoughts, morbid thoughts and thoughts that I am certainly going to ponder on for a while.

But for now, a tribute, to my Nan, may she Rest in Peace. To the beautiful lady who always wore a smile, who was as young at heart as we are, who appreciated the small things in life, who taught us to be crazy and let go and be yourself, to the lady who lived a full life with my Grandad, with my father, with me and is now watching over us in heaven with her beloved husband whom I never met and with my Grandad who left us 4 years ago.

I love you. 

The time before Classic

 My most recent adventure was one borrowed from my Aunt. Having spoken to her about the way I had fallen in love with Mitch Alboms’ book ‘The five people you meet in heaven’ she gave me a second of his books and another she thought I may be interested in. She was SPOT ON!

‘The Alchemist’ – By Paulo Coelho

As you can see, in recent weeks I have ventured away from the typical romantic, stereotypical chick flicks that I LOVE to read and instead have been broadening my horizons, and in doing so I’ve surprised myself.  I love the thrill of a mystery story as in John Green’s novel, I love the honesty and emotion in Matt Haig’s novel, and recently I loved the traditional proverb way of writing of Paulo’s book; It follows the life of a boy, who interestingly remains unnamed throughout the piece, he’s a shepherd on first appearance however throughout the book he works towards finding what he’s destined for meeting many new people and learning many of life’s importance’s along the way.

I was intrigued by this book for its large array of life messages, traditional teachings and the way such strong morals were portrayed. Most notably was Coelho’s respect for religion and his portrayal of how everyone in the tale respected each other and their own Gods. For example there was a short moment where they were just about to embark on a trek across the desert and this was when the leader spoke up and said for each of them to pray to their own God for safety whilst he prays to his own. That level of respect was so refreshing to see portrayed in an era where a lot of battles are stemmed from religious conflicts all over the world.

As well as that I fell in love with the theme of following your destiny and doing it now rather than waiting for destiny to find you. One line that truly stood out to me on page 103

‘Now, I’m beginning what I could have started ten years ago. But I’m happy at least that I didn’t wait twenty years.’

This was a beautiful concept that although you may be late to doing something at least it didn’t take you longer to do. In a sense its similar to New Year Resolutions, its better starting on the first of January with a new beginning rather than waiting 5 years to exercise, or get motivated to achieve your dreams. I suppose it’s very similar to something in my life, why wait until later when it could be done now? Let the preparations begin and I’m going to do something I could have done years ago, but I’d rather do it now rather than in another few years’ time.  

What could you be doing to make a difference now to change your life for the better as the boy did? 

A Reflective Thought

By the time I reach my keyboard after turning the last page in every book I always seem to get stuck with how to start. It seems to be a writers’ block before the writing has begun. I find writing poetry so easy, I pick up a pen, put it to paper and the words just seem to flow with the pen along the page and hey presto, a piece of art at my fingertips is complete. Yet with my blog, I’m writing to people and not to myself. I don’t know if people actually read this, when checking my viewers I seem to convince myself that the numbers are just me checking to see if any errors are in place, nevertheless it’s a weird thought that I am sitting here typing to an audience of sorts.

I have come to a conclusion, since we have moved on to yet another week and I still have 10 books to read to be on track; It seems I can’t press on. I have quickly come to realise that with all this free time it seems responsibilities have consequently gotten in the way of my reading i.e. I still have a job and chores that need doing around the house. I have taken to putting pressure on myself to read 52 books therefore reading is becoming a chore and that to me defeats the fun of losing yourself in a book...How is it a fun hobby when whilst reading my brain is constantly working thinking; ‘what is this book going to teach me so I can write about it in my blog?’ I have learnt that it isn’t about that, as much as I try to tell myself, books aren’t always about learning! They are about immersing yourself in a world that isn’t yours, losing yourself totally and completely in the words in the page, in the pages of the chapters and the chapters of the book so by the time you close that very last precious page, you feel completely different. Whether you’ve learnt something or not, it’s supposed to have changed you in a way. If it’s a book about courage and heroism, you feel compelled to be courageous and maybe act in heroic form to someone you love. If you’ve been reading a book about a love story then by the end you’re full of warmth and you want to share that love. The more I feel like I’m putting pressure on myself to whizz through the books and get a blog post up to say ‘I’ve read 52 books in a year’ in reality I haven’t read them properly. My eyes have flickered over the words on the page and the pages in the chapters and the chapters in the book… but I haven’t experienced them. I haven’t taken time to notice the themes or how I’m feeling, I don’t feel as attached to the book and fall in love with the books as I did at the beginning of the year. So here I am. This is me. Slowing down!

I am 9 weeks behind on my reading. That is ok! I will stick to a book a week, if I read more then hallelujah, that’s wonderful. I thought that i should let you know. I don’t want to compete with myself anymore, I would just like to fall in love with books and again and lose myself in the process. My boyfriend has let lucky because I haven’t forced him into the pit of doom that is my rant about the book I have experienced. I want to get back to it again. I want to get passionate and angry and frustrated at how the tale proceeded, I want to cry and laugh and feel a part of the lives that are held within the pages, I want to fall in love with the impact and imprint each wonderful story leaves on me. 

A Metaphor

I guess I seem to be failing at this whole book a week thing. Week 26 of the year and I have unfortunately read only 16 books! Of course exams took 7 of those weeks where I went cold turkey which thus led to me reigniting my addiction last Friday finishing 2 books and starting a third all in one day! 3 of those 10 missed weeks disappeared into a void of having taken longer than I had anticipated reading certain books. But now, here I am, after having taken a break, writing my 4^th blog post in 2 weeks! Is this where I am allowed to say ‘GO ME!’? I have planned certain books to take away on holiday, I have borrowed various others from friends and family, and I have a growing pile of 17 books on my bookshelf ready for me to go full steam ahead and make a dent in the list of 52 books I have to read this year. So here goes, book number 16;

Paper Towns – John Green

Firstly may I say that John Green is one of those authors that can just write so beautifully and fluently on a page that it can honestly feel like you are there in the setting amongst the characters’; I read ‘The Fault in our Stars’ last year and ‘Looking for Alaska’ is another must read for me this summer, the way he builds upon characters and back stories to create a life amongst the short chapter of the characters so called ‘life’ is just impeccable and admirable. For me, John Green is one of those authors that truly make me believe that my writing could never match to his standard therefore I may as well just give up whilst I’m ahead!

If any of you have not been following the craze of the new film release of this book then let me fill in the gaps for you. Margo Roth Spiegelman and Quinten Jacobsen are the protagonists of this story. Margo, the typical rebellious girl, hottest wannabe girl in school, dislikes her parents and has a knack for doing things she shouldn’t…. especially as she has a track record of running away but leaving decipherable clues in her leave. Quinten, the cute nerd guy that goes unrecognised by the girls including the rebel that he’s grown to love as her bedroom window has always been adjacent to his. One night she strings him along in one of her marvel moonlit plans and when he goes to find her at school the next day, she’s gone, having left deciphering clues behind that only he would recognise to find her.

Being perfectly honest with you, I’m not usually massively keen on mysteries and clue led books because we all know it's going to be miraculously solved one way or another in the end, but something about Green’s story gripped me from page one. Maybe it was the romanticist in me that hoped she would fall in love with her hero in the end, maybe it was the admiration of true friendship that having grown up with her, Q would never give up on her, and maybe it was the suspense of wondering what could possibly happen with each turning page and wondering what I could learn. For example, never have I ever seen someone use Pavlov’s dog theory in such a casual manner…*drinks*.

On another note though John Green did leave his imprint on me as with the other 16 books so far this year; the idea of paper towns. Paper girls needing a string, a guidance, paper towns looking amazing from a distance but you can’t see the rips and the broken paint from afar, the idea that nothing ever really matters when everything matters. I suppose we are in paper towns but in a different sense, each of our paper towns are compiled into pages and pages of our own books. Diary pages, poetry, art, books that are us. Our life is a paper town compiled together with chapters and chapters that even if we do dig a hole and bury it, we will never fully go away from it because it’s a part of us. This right here is me, sitting in my paper town room, as a paper girl, drawing something extraordinary of my own life to make it something special as I hope you are too. As Green quotes Emily Dickinson;

‘Forever is composed of nows’

And I completely agree. The now when you decide to do your homework and do your hardest for your exams, the now where you decide to do something small but meaningful for your partner or parent to keep showing them you love them, the now when you take a moment to step into the sunshine and appreciate what you have rather than waiting until winter to complain that English weather is crap, the now when you decide to exercise so you feel healthier and more energised...The now when you decide to see the positives in your life and turn away from the negatives and create your forever, now.